Free Bird
How recovering from codependency set me free.
Do you ever look at someone else and feel like you know exactly what they can do to improve their life? It’s as if you know exactly what choices they should make for their own success. You know exactly what is good for them and what is bad for them. Maybe it’s someone who you care about deeply - like a spouse or a child - and you can’t stand watching them make mistakes. You hate to see them fail. You hate to see them suffer. You want the best for them. And so, you tell them what to do. You try to control their behavior. You become reactive when they make choices that you believe are bad for them. You over function for them. You become so concerned with what they are doing, you stop living your life. You completely lose yourself. This was me.
When I had my big awakening in 2020, I had already been doing the work to heal, change, and grow for about 10 years. I didn’t know what I needed to change. I just knew that I needed to change. I didn’t have the words or the tools to understand what was happening to me. I knew I was extremely reactive. I knew I was critical and controlling of my husband (and some of my closest relationships). I knew I had lost myself. I wanted to change ALL of that. I didn’t know how.
There was a single moment in my life where all that changed (more on that coming soon on my paid content). I woke up, and I knew I had to do better. I had to stop worrying about my husband. He was smart, caring, and totally capable of taking care of himself. He could make his own decisions. It was time for me to set him free. It was time for me to set myself free. From that moment on, I relinquished control. I stopped over functioning. And, it felt like a weight had been lifted off me. I felt calm. I felt peace. I felt free. All the anger I had building up inside me, melted away. It was several months later before I finally understood why.
I had heard the term “co-dependent” before, and I just didn’t think that applied to me. How could I be co-dependent? I didn’t need anyone else. I did pretty much everything for myself. I did pretty much everything for my husband… oh, wait…
When my therapist recommended I read “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, I obliged - more so because I like to learn new things. I didn’t think it would actually apply to me. I could not have been more wrong. It was as if the author could read my thoughts and interpretted my feelings. I felt seen; but also, I felt so called out! I understood that my babysitting and controlling was actually over functioning. I realized that even though I thought I was acting out of a place of love for him, the over functioning was really a way to protect myself. I wanted him to be healthy, so that he would live longer…but, it was so I wouldn’t be alone, or I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of loss, or so I didn’t become his full time caregiver. That’s just one example; but every thing I criticized or tried to control, truly came from my own fears - it came from my desperate attempt to protect myself by fitting our life into a perfect, little box designed by society.
The codependence ran so deep in my life. Not only did I see how I criticized, controlled, and over functioned, I saw how those around me did the same thing. I wasn’t just codependent. I grew up surrounded by codependent relationships. Once I saw the pattern, I couldn’t unsee it. It finally made sense why I felt calm, at peace, and free after relinquishing my desire for control. And, this peace and freedom gave me the space to confront myself, follow that inner voice, and FINALLY start uncovering my true self. It was time to start living MY life.
